Michael Jesso's Fabulous, Derailed
Tier McMurray Magazine's Best of… Fabulous, Derailed!
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In keeping with the spirit of the Best of YMM, I took a trip down memory lane over the last 13 years of the Fabulous, Derailed column and chose two of the funnier reads that I still hear people talk about.
People are still shocked and laugh that I called it a “hooker” bath for a quick clean up when leaving work for a restaurant, and recommending yoga so you can contort yourself into an airplane seat. Just remember, prices have changed since the originals went to print, but I promise you the spirit in which I wrote them is still there. Sit back, read and have a laugh. It’s good for the soul.
From Volume 1, Issue 1 • Fall 2012
Every morning thousands of you wake up, roll out of bed, throw on the latest fashions from Mark’s Work Wearhouse and head north for the day. The problem begins on that bus ride back to the city. I know you just worked 12 hours, you’re tired, hungry, and the last thing you want to do is go home and cook. Some of you get chatting and suddenly Earls, Moxie’s, or BrewBakers become the next destination. Well, lock up those air brakes folks. Take a deep breath in through your nose and let the smell coming off you resonate for a minute. Now I know everyone reading this has complained about the smell on the bus ride home, some of you even complain about the smell on the way to work, some of you drive to work just to avoid it all together. So what do you think the rest of us smell when you walk into a restaurant and sit down next to us while we’re eating? Flowers? Fresh summer rain?
Some will argue it’s the “smell of money”, but I’m here to tell you it’s not. It smells like bitumen and when you mix that with my Mediterranean linguini, I have problems.
And it’s not just eating establishments, it’s everywhere. I talked to a few men and woman while researching this article and was surprised at the feedback. The most common excuse for not going home after work and taking a shower before you do anything was “it’s a work town.”
Well, it’s not a work town. It was a work town in 1967. Today it’s a city of more than 100,000 people. Plus, I know you weren’t digging for oil on Franklin Avenue. This is where we live—you work at least 45 minutes away—so your argument doesn’t stick. It just stinks and so do you.
While most people can excuse a quick trip into the grocery store on the way home, it’s a little more difficult to excuse eating out, or bar hopping. I mean, really, nothing says you’re single and ready to mingle like a good whiff of carcinogens.
If you’re like me and you don’t blame the city you live in for your grooming habits, then it’s simple. From the time I hit the curb, I can be in the house, showered, dressed, and back out the door in 20 minutes. The other option is packing a small bag with a change of clothes, shoes, cologne, and deodorant. Most plant sites have shower facilities, but if you find that you don’t have access to a shower, a quick hooker bath in any bathroom will do the trick and at least make you presentable for the general public. Remember, this isn’t just about having respect for the people around you, it’s about having respect for yourself. I guarantee you, and everyone around you, will be a lot happier.
From Volume 2, Issue 4 • June/July 2014
“This is your captain speaking. Sit back & enjoy your flight.”
It’s a statement we’ve all heard, but actually enjoying a flight is becoming increasingly more difficult…especially if you’re taller than 5’2”.
Gone are the days of actual civilized air travel, where a proper flight attendant served coffee from fine china and wore Pucci suits; where travelers dressed for the occasion and couldn’t wait to get on board, relax in their comfortable, reclined chairs without bothering anyone, and arrive at their destination refreshed.
Somewhere along the way the airlines have had a really rough landing, and it’s been elbows in the ribs, heads in our laps, attendants serving Sanka and lunchboxes all while being bumped in the head with the debit machine when you try to pay for it all. The skies just aren’t that friendly anymore.
Air Canada, or as most Canadians like to call the heavily subsidized airline, Air Chaos, has announced that they are adding more seats to every aircraft, with 22 extra seats on its discount carrier, Rouge, and up to 109 extra seats on its long-haul Boeing 777. Where exactly are they going to fit an extra 109 people? Are they going to hang them from the ceiling, or are they going to just fill the aisles and have us climb in like kids getting into the back seat of a car? Perhaps one lucky passenger will get to sit in the bathroom the whole time, although it would be kind of gross trying to eat your sesame snacks or getting up repeatedly to allow someone else to…ah…use your seat.
So just how are they going to do this? Smaller seats, to begin with. Smaller frames, smaller cushions, smaller everything. Basically, if you were used to traveling in a Civic, you will now be traveling in a Miata. The other space-gaining technique used will be moving everyone closer together on what the airlines call a 30 inch pitch. That’s 30 inches from the front legs of the chair in front of you to the front legs of the chair you’re sitting in. That gives you roughly 23 inches from the back of the chair in front of you to the back of the chair you’re resting on. Now I’ll tell you I haven’t always been the happiest camper with 30 inch legs, but I am now. I can’t even imagine taking a long haul trip to Australia or Japan with an extra 109 people on board. I’ll bet they didn’t add any extra bathrooms.
It’s not just Air Canada that’s made this decision; Westjet has also jumped on board, so to speak. Westjet, who regularly reports record earnings, has also decided to add an additional eight seats to every plane. But they are doing something a little different. Everyone who has ever flown Westjet has enjoyed a 34 inch pitch seat. What they’ve done is push all the regular seats closer together to a 31 inch pitch and created three rows of an economy plus section with a 36 inch pitch, an extra checked bag and neatly placed doily on your seat.
At the time of writing this, Westjet stated it was $45 extra for the economy plus seat; now this got the wheels in my head turning and I thought why not just leave the seats the way they were and charge everyone an extra $45 for their ticket? Honestly, for the sake of $45, Westjet has just changed its passengers from guests to cattle. Why is Westjet messing with us? They make money...I don’t get it.
So with all these extra people up in your business, I’ve come up with a handy list of tips to actually try and make air travel somewhat pleasant again.
Do yoga. It will help you contort yourself into the tiny seat and perhaps allow you to bend your legs in different positions, allowing you to properly get comfortable.
Your neighbour’s rib cage is not an armrest.
Keep your shoes on. You may not smell them because you adjusted that air nozzle to blow any stink away from your nose, but it’s not doing anything for the rest of us.
Unless you’re taking a nap, please keep your chair in the upright position. Also, check with your neighbour behind you; they could be juggling a cup of Sanka and have their laptop open.
Keep your earbuds at a neighbourly volume. I understand you’re trying to drown out the sound of the engine and that baby two rows up, but you’re adding to the frustration.
Flatulence – See step 3.
Try and keep your legs and your bags under the chair in front of you. Spreading your legs and your belongings into your neighbour’s real estate is definitely a fowl.
For the love of God, please, please please take a shower before a flight. A common complaint throughout airports in the Wood Buffalo region from fellow passengers and airline staff are people who just left work and boarded an aircraft. Everyone understands you rushed out of camp, everything is dirty, you haven’t seen your wife or kids for two weeks, but why should anyone have to suffer while crammed into a small metal tube with you for four or five hours? Leave some time to get cleaned up, pack a return change of clothes and shoes. It’s something so simple and can make the world of difference on your way home.
Please be kind to one another and have patience, everybody is trying to get somewhere under different circumstances and different levels of understanding.
Pee before you get on the plane!
About the author
Michael Jesso
A Fort McMurray staple, Michael Jesso is a renaissance man. He is an opinion-sharer, a car aficionado, a cooking show host, and a stand-up comedian.
He tells it like it is, and has his finger on the pulse of what is happening at all times. He is connected, in the know, incredibly invested in the community, and has the most contagious laugh. Not to mention the most epic party pad in all of Fort McMurray.